2005 Results And Fixtures

Flyers (7-7)- latest

Jets '93 (11-3)- latest

Cup - latest

Blitzes -

The rest -

Flyers League Season - Division 1

Week 1.
20 Apr 05. Usual Suspects - Flyers
Wesley, Dundrum
Match postponed 15-April due to registration problems and lighting issues. Re-scheduled for 29 June.

Week 2.
27 Apr 05. Flyers 7 - 8 Base Devils
ALSAA, 7pm
Eoghan O Hectorcháin, Amu san ALSAA.
Reporter: #99. Hello mo chardaí, my friends, Hectorcháin anseo! Hector here in ALSAA, where I'm going to find out for myself all about these Liathródii Bog – Soft Balls mar a deir siad. A strange game, that they don't play out in the likes of Navan, but they do play it here in the back fields of ALSAA. This has been going on here for almost fiche bliain – 20 years folks. So I'm here today to talk to the team, try and win their friendship, and maybe we'll all have a cupán tae, or cup of tea afterwards.
Hectorcháin: Dia dhuit, Betty, a raibh breithlá agat dé sathairn, agus caca milis spiderfearr. Hello Betty. You're the leader, the generalissimo. So what's the game all about then?
Betty: Well, Hector, the idea of the game is to hit the ball, catch the ball, throw the ball.
Hectorcháin: Ta an cluiche seo an suaimhneach ar fad! Sounds tricky Betty, so you have to be in good shape for this game?
Betty: Yes indeed Hectorcháin, we are all athletes here!
Hectorcháin: Ach ní leirionn é seo cen fáth a bhfuil an foireann go leir ag caith tobac agus ag ól! Your team certainly looks fit and healthy Betty!
Betty: Thanks, Hector! (beams with pride)
Hectorcháin: Agus cé hé an buachaill mór sin? Saghas bun-diabhal ó Cill Ceannaigh ceapaim. Tá fearg air faoi rud éigin. Who's that lad in the black-and-white? Is he right in the head at all?
Betty: That's Barry, Hector. Runs the Base Devils, and TCD. Sure it's gas doing a fake tag across his knee when he's rounding third.
Hectorcháin: Ceapaim nach bhfuil seans ag na Flianna ar fad! So, Betty, how do you think the Flyers will do?
Betty: With our level of fitness, we should do well Hectorcháin!
Hectorcháin: Ach, tar anseo, ní leirionn é sin freisin cén fath a chaill said an cluiche! Great stuff Betty, you deserve to win after all your hard work.
Betty: Thanks Hector (beams with pride).
Hectorcháin: Feck seo ar son cluiche saighdiúrí, tá mé ag dul go dtí an teach ól anois. This was great craic. I'd love to stay longer. Where can I get a lemonade round here?
Devally's Devastating Moment: First DDM deservedly goes to Adrian, for sending Fi straight into a tag at home for the last out of the game leaving us one run behind.
Debutants of the Day: Lee Hazzard makes his return to Irish softball. Climbs in the window of his car he does. And Sichul Seong. First game also for Marie, Mar (I'm not an Angel) B, and that dang Yankee Courtney. And Aidan the Jet comes on too.
MVP: Yeah, this caught us off-guard at the end. We nominate Cora and Sichul. Cora for being first girl in the batting order and Sichul not for any of his home run nonsense but for making Barry flip his lid.
Quote of the Day: 'That's the quietest I've ever heard her.' Now Bro is an ump and not a Flyer she can't shout at us. As much.

Week 3.
XI.V.MMV. Sluggers V - XXV People's Front of ALSAA
Wesley College, Ballinteer
I am Flierus. Report as usual by number XCIX.
Up Flyeruses! A tremendous battle was to be waged in the shadow of the M50, in the Amphitheatre Wesley, in ancient Dundrumdum.. The Sluggeruses had challenged the mighty army of the Flyeruses to the ancient ritual of Softball.
Centurion Bettius gathered his legions and sent them to the battlefront. Flyeruses gained the upper hand when Homus Runus Devallius evoked the power of the mighty Maximus Battus for a Grand Slam Homer. The Sluggeruses fought back when Cora the Vestal Virgin uncharacteristically fumbled the ball at first base, allowing them to score a few runs. Soon, however, the battle turned back in favour of the Flyeruses. Climbing out the window of his chariot, Dukov Hazzardus made a great catch in the outfield to match the one made by the swift-footed mcallisterus.
A dip in form was offset by Sichul Brutus feeding the troops Toblerones and an influx of reserves in the fourth inning saw the Flyeruses shut out the Sluggeruses thanks to some mighty ground-covering by Benus Juniourus Juniorus. The governing Julius Conorus Marlayus gave the Sluggersus the thumbs down and victory was complete. When asked had we all got a toblerone Carolinius' reply of 'Ate two Brute' sounded so good we chiselled it on a wall.
Debutant of the Day: Don't some of us look imperial in our new Flyers cloaks?
Devally's Devastating Moment: Mr D doesn't like being lead off batter any more. So using his Sudoku-sharpened brain Betty puts a seven here, a one here and we are ready to go. Mr D responds to the no-pressure situation by hitting a GSHR in the first. But in the third inning he is first up to bat. 'It's just like being lead-off' a helpful Tony reassures him.
MVP: Adrian gets it. For parking his motor-bike in the last car-park space at the pub.
Lost in Translation: Ah yes, the pub. We go to The Coach, 50 metres from the school. Find out later they had actually said 'The Goat', miles away, and gone there.
Technology Today with Betty: Say 'In Ter Net Banking' to him, slowly. Watch the blank look. So how does the raffle money end up in our shoe box at the bank? It's all computers. And not to be trusted. From the man who tried roaming when he went through the toll-bridge. And couldn't figure out 'Use Detail'. Thankfully we didn't ask him to burn the DVD from Germany.
Useless Fact: Boroimhe in Swords gets its' name from when King Brian Boru stopped off in Wrights for a quick pint and a toasted ham and cheese on his way to his own funeral in Armagh.
Another Useless Fact: After extensive research, Cora makes the surprise discovery that 'softball' in Japanese is pronounced 'softball'. But said faster. And written a bit differently.
Courtney's corner: Restless (and greedy) Flyers are demanding a victory platter next time in ALSAA. With Buffalo wings. Now buffalos don't have wings. They are just chicken wings. Covered in a sauce invented in the Anchor Bar, Buffalo, New York. See Mr Timms, not only has your little Red made the A team, she regales us with talk of exciting things from the new world. Dang Yankee.

Week 4.
18 May 05. Flyers 23 - 28 Slammers
Cora spent her time at the Bryan Adams concert writing ten songs. These two have made it through to the final vote. For one you have to visualise Paul McGrath with big hair, tight jeans and stilettos. That's your day ruined now.
After the songs you have 10 minutes to vote for your favourite. To vote for song A -Pitch to You- text SONGA to 5717461961406501650165467064145. To vote for song B -It's Only Runs- text SONGB to Whitehall 472.
Slammers score 12. Flyers hit back. Slammers swagger disappears and they move their fielders three times. Great catch by Alyssa stops the innings with 7 Flyers scored. Not six, seven. Magoo tries to start argument but two years on since the last bout there's no Marty or Deano to stoke the fire. Still 5 in it at the end.
Anyway for the real euro singing thing. Would you give Switzerland 12 points? Or Albania ten? I'd definitely give Israel one.
DDM: Kitchen staff in ALSAA don't give Ray chilli sauce with his Buffalo wings. Didn't realise they were messing with the wrong man. Or wrong cry-baby. Nearly causes international incident. Then Ray said he didn't even think they were Buffalo wings!! Now that's fightin' talk round here.
As C. Lenihan would say we'll stick with the victory chips and Slammers can stick with the burritos. We say shish Minister.

Week 5.
25 May 05. Flyers 15 - 7 Oddsox Black
ALSAA. Att: 3, then 0 when Carol, Tony and Mary went off to find something better to watch
Betty in the Outfield.
Yes No Maybe. I don't know. Can you repeat the line-up? You're not the coach of me now. You're not the manager of me now. You're not the captain of me now. And you're not so big. You're not the coach of me now. You're not the manager of me now. You're not the captain of me now. And you're ahem not so big. Life is unfair. (Thanks/sorry TMBG.)
Assistant coach-of-everything-except-batting-fielding-and-throwing, assistant manager, and now ex-captain, Betty loses all delusions of power when Ebbsie is dragged up to the Flyers for the night. Ebaysie, recently mistaken for George Clooney, grabs the reins. Mark pitches. Caroline goes left field. Betty goes left-centre. His delay, watch, arse-scratch, wait, watch some more, size up, nuts-scratch, decision, sprint, and catch when the ball is an inch from the ground, shows the rest of the team who really keeps the Flyers ticking. But he gets a ear-full from our third batting coach of the last week, Ann's 4 year old Ben, when a weak grounder leads to the first out.
DDM: Mark heads for home, gets into a run down. Ball thrown to 3 so he turns and heads home again. Gets tagged when old man Bren Farren makes up 4 yards on him in the sprint.
Quote of the night: 'And they are two away goals' – wag in ALSAA when Smicer brings Liverpool right back into it.
Text of the night:'Pool need a miracle' - Ger the Bum over in Istanbul when our game is finished and it's 3-nil at half-time over there.
Outside the Paisley Gates
I heard a Kopite calling
Paisley they have taken you away
You led the great eleven
Back in Rome in seventy-seven
And the Reds they are still playing the same way

All round the Fields of Anfield Road
Where once we watched the King Kenny play
We had Heighway on the wing
We had dreams and songs to sing
Of the glory round the Fields of Anfield Road

Week 6.
1 Jun 05. Oddsox Red 31 - 29 Flyers
Bird Ave, Clonskeagh. Att. 2
Flyers 4-2-4-4-8-0-7 29
Oddsox 10-7-0-1-11-2-X 31
Desperate Flyers. By Cora 'Maisie' Burke
Things were quiet on Hysteria Lane as the Desperate Flyers tried to come to grips with what was happening in their quiet world...
After the sudden loss of Gary-Alice, the Flyerettes – Adrian 'Lynette' Devally, Lee 'Bree' Hazzard, Betty 'Gabrielle' Moen, Sitchul 'Susan' Seong, and Mark 'Edie' Walsh gathered for their weekly softball match. Lynette's mind was so focussed on whether or not Alison would really give up her day job so that he didn't have to deal with the kids at Microsoft anymore, that he didn't send Courtney home from third for her home-run hit.
Bree was so concerned with the untidy state of the pitch that his favourite game of piggy-in-the-middle almost got the better of him, but eventually another runner was tagged. Gabrielle was fearful that Mrs. Betty would find out about his secret love affair with pints of Guinness – the real reason for his washboard stomach – that he struck out. Twice. Susan's alarm that the plumbing in the hedges would not be good enough drove him to play short-stop from deep left field. Finally Edie's man-eater instincts caused him to ignore the 3rd base coach and run into a tag at home. And strike out trying to hit left.
Luckily, some fabulous fielding and batting from the 'real' Flyerettes dragged the game from shameful loss it could have been to the greatest come-back that never was. Marion 'Mrs Huber' Dolan would be so disappointed she missed it, even though she has hasn't been seen at training and games in over 3 weeks…...
Devally's Devastating Moment: 'Betty you are up after Sichul.' Even though it mightn't sound it, these are two guys. In a game full of them, the DDM this week goes to Caroline's surprise discovery that when we bat through the order, she still gets to bat again, even though she was out the first time around. Her cries of 'But am I not still out?' fall on incredulous Flyer ears. Then looks for a follow-up DDM by running through the white part of 1B.
DDM 2: Outfielder Lee has to play 3B. Pop-up foul ball lands ten feet from the base with Lee standing still looking at it. 'Lee, you know you are allowed catch a foul ball and the batter will be out?' 'Ah...'
MVP: Written on back of match report: Babs, who was playing catcher. Umpire: 'That was Barbara Connolly out on second base, wasn't it?' Betty, not thinking, corrects him and hands Alison the prize.
Debutante of the Day: Cora's shiny new boots blind both teams with their Daz-like brilliance.
Excuse me?: Ann, Fiona, Marie, and both Marions can't make the game. Using your skill and judgement match the excuse to the excused: Flying to the States tomorrow; being brought out by work; nephew's confirmation; picking up mini-marathon number; Southside? No way.
We're doomed: Gary-Alice arrives with Victory Chips before the match even starts. Has he not realised that it never works when we drink champagne before a match either?
Lisa at Roadwatch tip: Don't even think of driving into the Dublin Port Tunnel to see if it's a short cut. And don't play chicken with a 25 tonne TBM. You can't even out-stare it.

Week 7.
15 Jun 05. Kiely's Kegs 7 - 6 Flyers. (a.e.i.) (Aie aie aie!!)
St. Andrews, Booterstown.
Flyers Begin. by #99.
Flyers launched an early bat-attack scoring well in the first innings. Using their scoring-against-us repellent spray, the game was going well for the dynamic twelve-o, keeping the evil Kegs and their leader "The Pitcher" to zero runs. Suddenly yelps of "Holy overthrows, Batman!" rose from the infield and not even the new Flyer capes could help us now, as Keg after Keg rolled home. Flyers got into even more of a flap as The Pitcher's evil henchmen forced the game to extra innings.
Out of no-where "Pow!" (an infield hit) "Wheeeee!" (the ball leaving Sichuls hand and passing under Cora's glove) "Thud!" (the ball hitting the wall behind Cora for an overthrow), "Clump! Clump!" (the runner gets to second) "Biff!" (a large bat) "Trundle! Trundle! Yay!" (the runner gets home to win the game). Good job too as Al-Betty-Fred wasn't here to serve us platters of Victory Chips, as he and catwoman were heading off the long way to play football at the Erding Drinking Fest.
Play of the Day: Ebbsie pitches, and doesn't walk anyone! Flyers gasp in disbelief.
Tip of the Day: When going to Helsinki on your stag remember to check your passport is not out of date. Perkele!
DDM: Almost went to Hopalong Devally and his zimmerframe but Sichul arrived on time to save him from playing first base. Instead we blame the Suspects for our sore muscles. And Saturdays good weather for our aching sunburn. And the Jets for breaking Adrian.

Week 8.
22 Jun 05. Flyers 17 - 16 Usual Suspects
ALSAA. Att. 1.5

'Sir Alan Lenehan will see you now'. Adrian Forrester and Betty enter the boardroom. 'Adrian you are to head up team Usual Impact. Betty, you lead Forte Flyers. Your task this week is to win a game of softball'. Betty, knowing he was one defeat away from being sacked quickly set about developing his strategy. FionaMc was appointed captain, hoping to deflect the blame from him if they lost. Trump card Tony was drafted in at short -stop and Aidan was called up as a reserve. They got off to a bad start when Sichul was stuck in work. Adrian Devally was put in at 3B. The gamble looked like paying off when he hit a HR far enough to limp around the bases but then his hammer went again when making a catch in the 2nd innings.
Betty re-organised, moving Mark to 3B. It might have backfired when Impact started peppering Aidan in RCF so Betty re-arranged the outfield and tightened things up. I like the cut of his jib, Sir Alan thought, impressed by how this rising junior executive handled his briefs. But Sir Alan wasn't happy to see Betty removing his mobile phone from his pocket later as he stood in the batters box. Two jammy bits of luck by Roche gave Impact a chance. For Forte Mark didn't know if the life-and-base coach at third had said 'Go/Hold/Whoa/Home, or No' before he danced around the catcher to score. Betty knew even then that the crazy running might have brought in the run that could decide this game.
Top of 7 Sam walks, Adrian hits to 1B, it hits Cora's foot and goes off to the outfield where 2B, 1B and RF all run for it. Betty gets a sinking feeling. Forte get to bat needing 4 to win. With 1 in and 1 out Betty checks with his injured IT exec and, knowing his head would roll if this went belly-up, puts him back into the line -up to bat in place of Aidan. Draws a walk. No need to run. Marion B holds her nerve, judges the pitches and also walks. Betty hits high and long to RF and rounds the bases, scoring the 3 they need, to stun Usual Impact. And himself. And his own team who had already put Adrian Devally's name on the office door. But Betty cannot now face the chop.
Cora and Allison bickered 'like two old washerwomen' and Cora decided she was leaving. "You were going to leave anyway," Sir Alan told her. "You lot are lucky," he added, gesturing to the rest of Forte Flyers. Cora then made her way to the waiting taxi to take her off to some far-away island while the rest of the team were treated to a plate a victory chips at a posh restaurant.
DDM: Two strikes against Aidan. Pitch comes in way high over his head. Aidan stands still. Ball hits the bat. Strike 3.
You never call: What is it with old Flyers and mobile phones? Adrian pushes every button on his new phone up in the bar but it just won't answer. Could have been the call about the manager's position...

Week 1A.
29 Jun 05. Usual Suspects 10 - 7 Flyers
Wesley College, Ballinteer.
Lad-Jette to Lady Flyer.
Ten weeks ago a group of 12 ladettes from all over Ireland and abroad arrived at Alsaaton Hall on a personal journey become a Flyers lay-day. They would face the ordeal of the weekly assessments and were always under the constant and severe glare of the clubs distinguished members. Their aim – to reform these loud-mouthed, boisterous, ill-mannered young women into the gentile, demure and well-spoken ladies normally associated with the Flyers.
In week one the girls were thought how to make their own green polo shirts to replace the FCEK tee-shirt Carol arrived in. Patrice disgraced herself and was let go. In week two Antonia Smythe-Burns instructed them on haute-cuisine and Caroline took elocution. Refining the rough country accents proved almost impossible although we started to understand some of the grunting and yee-hawing. Antonia taught them to identify the correct knife and fork to use for eating victory chips and how to select the correct accompanying wine. 'They were shoving handfuls of chips into the mouths, shouting 'Potatoes!', and were also drinking beer straight from the bottle at a recent blitz. I was horrified'.
Etiquette expert Betty Halfboard has been teaching at Alsaaton for many years but knew very little about ladettes of this century. Getting them to stop scratching their groin, and teaching them to say 'excuse me' instead of going 'Out of my way Hi' and decking whatever fielder was standing on their base, were two of his challenges. Finally Triona had her chance this week to impress a selection of eligible bachelors in Ballinteer. Brought in as catcher in the fourth she didn't look out of place when put in at 1B in the sixth. How did she do?
A hard grounder was hit between 1 and 2. A couple of cross-over steps later she back-handed the ball and threw it perfectly to the pitcher sprinting to take the base. It was a very proud moment for all of us at the Flyers.
Triona said later she was 'Really really chuffed because I was like Oh my God sooo nervous but now I don't even like care that the others are probably talking about me behind my back. I am sooo a lady Flyer now'.
DDM: Courtney doesn't fake tan her legs before she opts for shorts tonight. Enjoy your holiday. At least the legs will be red when she comes back.

Week 9.
6 Jul 05. Base Devils 9 - 11 Flyers (a.e.i.)
Flyers: 11
Devils: 9
You'll like it, not a lot, but you'll like it.
Syndicated sports hack Cora Burke reports on the latest Flyers win.. Conjuring up a northside game for the Flyers was the start of The Great Betster's magic tricks for the evening. Noticing 3 free spots in the field, Flyers gasped with delight as he produced 3 Jets from his hat – Ebbs, Ben, and Siobhan. During the game, not even the camera could follow Betsters sleight of hand as he buried the softball deep inside his glove and took the out on first himself, while beaming telepathic thoughts at both the runner and the base player to get out of his way. He also brought gasps from a section of the crowd when he disappeared his box into the wrong glove before going up to bat.
But it wasn't only the Great Betster performing magic tricks tonight. Stretching for a catch on first base, Cora produced a softball from up her sleeve to get the out. During a dip in Flyer form, Mammy Burke produced loads of chocolate bars from deep inside a plastic bag. Lee almost pulled off a special balancing act of not falling over during the game, but couldn't resist a slide into second base, using his amazing powers of distraction to get called safe.
Ben hypnotised the blue, the Devils 2B and SS into thinking that standing up at the base while there's a play going on is OK, and so got called safe. And an almost overthrow at third base over Ebbsies head was caught by his glamorous assistant Fiona, appearing behind the base from a 'wobbly' left field to save the day. But the best magic act of the evening was the Brave Adriano, standing in front of the Devilish Barry the Cannon and catching the softball with his teeth for the winning catch of the night. Bravo!
Play of the Day: A whole bunch of them, like Ben's diving catch and roll, and Adrian's catch already got a mention. But all credit to Marie for a lightning fast catch behind the plate, and another lightning fast pick-up of a nurdle following by a super throw to get the out on first.
Devallys Devastating Moment: In Harry Byrnes after the match, Betty asks the Malahide residents – the Devallys – "Do you guys know a place in Malahide called 'The Nellys'?" "Are you sure that's what it's called?" "Yeah, dat's where dey told me de party is on. Down near the marina somewhere". After some initial confusion, Adrian, taking Betty's northside roots into account, says "Do you mean the Italian restaurant come bar 'Daniellis'?" Fuggit.
Back in the day: Ann and Cora recoil in horror at realising that junior Junior, Ben the Jet, is actually John O'Reilly's son, who used to bring out the young Ben to Leftovers and Thirteen-Three softball games way back when, where he played with his toys on the sideline. Ann and Cora recall the happy days of their youth of playing softball using stone bats and a dinosaur egg, and heading back to the cave afterwards for a plate of victory Woolly Mammoth.

Week 10.
20 Jul 05. Flyers 8 - 7 Kiely's Kegs
Flyers R. O'C-K
So like we had to go to De Nort Soyid for a game. They might have the two Leinster schools rugby cups temporarily but they'll win fock all for softball over there. Even if they're used to swinging bats. Traffic is a mare of course. Doors are locked because there are CHV everywhere around Tolka Pork. Didn't think we would make it through.
Didn't see Anthony Burns even though I heard he plays out here. Was on the S in Gonzaga a few years ago but he's basically still a decent bloke. I used see him around UCD and still sometimes in the M1. But over here I think he is called 'Anto' roysh and puts curry sauce on his victory chips, like the rest of the skobies. Sold his old dear's Micra last week and bought himself an A4 and it's a total babe magnet, and we're talking total here.
Erika was there and have to admit looking pretty good. Light blue Ellesse vest and grey track pants with the waist folded down twice, showing a nice glimpse of a pink Love Kylie slicer. Asked her would she play catcher and she basically looked me up and down roysh and goes 'Hordly'. Still I would, in a heartbeat. But she knows it. So Jayne with a 'y' played there and the lucky the umpire was Bro cos otherwise a goy ump wouldn't be able to concentrate at all because he'd be checking out her orse in her navy Wilson short shorts.
Game was a bit of a mare. We led all the way til the last innings and were sure we were going to kick their orses. They got like three double plays so we weren't scoring much but they were scoring like basically nothing until the last innings.
Instead of going back to Kielys afterwards roysh Christian says we have to go up to the ALSAA bor. They didn't even have Ken on tap for focks sake. Nice bor maid, one of these refugees but a ringer for Adriana Karembue so that's ok. There we were giving it loads of 'Kegs Rock' and 'breadline' and basically letting them know that even though we lost we were the better team and they know it. It was hord to tell who in the bor was sporty and who was just basically a skanger in a tracksuit.
Amy took 2 victory chips but Faye said No, she OH MY GOD so has to get her finger out cos she is putting on so much weight and chips are like 12 points or something and Amy gives her a filthy and then eats just one of the chips.
Mobile rings – knew I shouldn't have answered it. 'Hey Pitcher' he goes, trying to be all pally like. 'Make this quick' I said. 'Checking how you got on tonight, so on and so forth. Your mother is worried that you made it back from the ghastly place safely.' 'Get a life' I said hanging up on the DH, feeling all pleased with myself at last.
Devallys Devastating Moment: Couple of girls looking at strike 3. Betty in pop-up city twice with two outs and runners on. But Kegs can have the DDM for the seventh innings. Courtney single and Ebbsie double and then Cora and Adrian can squeeze to second because they won't throw to 2 and don't defend it properly. So with no outs Fi can hit in the third run and the starving Flyers who were going crazy with the hunger will be getting fed.
DDM 2: As my predictive text says 'those aunts in the car-park'.

Week 11
27 Jul 05. Slammers 20 - 7 Flyers
High School, Rathgar.
Courtney and Clint's nachur eh naturererilisa eh natayeril eh learnin dem how to talk loik we does be program:
Cora Burke gives the low-down... So, in anyways, like, we arrived in er jammers at de High Skool in, like Ratmines or Ratgar – wan of dose posh places – and dere we were parked under some trees for, like, sum shelter from de sun and den Betty arrives an says he "Youse bunch of feckin eejits! Yousers jammers will be banjaxed when dey put the ting trough yousers bleeedin windscreens and look at Babs's new jammer all shiny and stuff" so me moved.
An den de game started so says we "dere a bunch of cute hoors wit all deir catchin and trowin and stuff" so says Betty "well get up dere and bleedin burst dat ponce in de middle" so we did, like, but he was bleedin rapid at de game and we didn't know what to do so den Cora gets de ball when dey were battin and she goes to give dat Elaine wan a smack in upside de head and got her t-shurt instead an the ref called her out and says Elaine "she never bleedin tuched me" and says Cora "I bleedin did, righ missus?" and says Courtney "Fair play to ya, you tell hur" and den de rest of the team says "didja get her?" and says Cora "de ref says I did and sure he's probably a Dubs fan an all with dem culurs dat he's wearin" and so we kept playin and stuff but Bettys arm was bollixed and he walked a few people and den Sitchul goes and catches de ball wit his knees and says Alison "get up off yer arse ya lazy so and so" and den says Betty "Flyers what's de jack? Yizzers are wojus. Start playin will youse?" and says us "shut yer gob Betty sure aren't we bleedin consistent like?" and den we says to Clint "don't you hit de ball at dat septic in the middle" and what does he bleedin do? Hits it at de septic and gets him self out so says Caroline "you're a bleedin gobshite!" and den Betty turns to Adrian, Fiona and Al Brennan and says "what are youse boggers looking at?"
And den we lost de game but we went to the local for roasters (Tony gave Betty a ride, and .. NO, NO hold it, I mean gave him a 'lift') and we got hammered in anyways. We were cat melodjin but it was a bleedin savage game.
Devallys Devastating Moment: Allison obviously didn't tag the runner hard enough in the goolies at home for him to shout out in pain so then the ump would know she had got him.
Devallys Devastating Moment 2: When Betty's directions say 'turn right onto Rathfarnham Road' it doesn't mean 'turn right when you see the first sign saying 'Rathfarnham'' does it?.

Week 12
10 Aug 05. Oddsox Black 9 - 30 Flyers
Bird Avenue. Att. 1 and 3 children
Monkey see monkey do.
Nothing left in the suggestion box for match report themes so this one will be short and sweet, not sour. We beat them like a ginger step-child.
Tuesday night's training mostly pays off. Caroline, who thinks Flyers' stand-in coach is doing an 'ok' job, doesn't hit to the short-stop with a runner on one. Captain Mc does, with runners on 2 and 1. Outfield cover the bases and each other. About time too. Flyers take lead from lead off batter and walk walk walk but get big hits when they get a good pitch. Mark misses training so does his own thing, but fair play does it well, 5 for 5, and doesn't get tagged in the run-down of many throws. Adrian hits two early triples with bases loaded to put Flyers on the way to victory chips.
All that remained was to go hungry at the prospect of what treat would they get as a bonus. Without a menu to help them settle for sweet and sour chicken or szechuan duck. Conceding a run in the bottom of seventh means that instead of a number 22 (jumbo prawns in garlic sauce) the monkeys feast on a number 21 from Sunkist opposite O'Sheas (crispy shredded chicken dry style with chillis and salt). Yum yum.
Devallys Devastating Moment: Do as I say, not as I do. Betty is first and third out in the second innings. Stretches for a low, outside first pitch to pop it nicely into 1B's glove. Then next time up hits it higher but not as far and pitcher number two takes the easy catch.
Black Mark: Oddsox batting, game well lost, two outs, runners on 2 and 1. Fly ball the right centre. Runner on two looks at ball and sets off slowly, watching the ball travel straight towards fielder. Bren Farren flips, yelling about there being two outs and you're meant to run. Mark catches another one. Rest of us on both sides are standing still watching Bren go nuts. He realises and tries to turn it into a joke rant. Flyers agree that maybe Betty isn't so nasty after all.

Week 13
17 Aug 05. Flyers - Oddsox Red
A Score we can't refuse.
Cora writes: "Don Betty Corleone," began Adrian, statistician for the Flyerinis, "we need to win this game. How can you help us?" Don Betty stroked his chin, pondering the question. "Mumble" he mumbled. "I'm sorry, Godfather?" inquired Adrian, "I didn't quite catch that." Don Betty chewed thoughtfully and took a sip of his Lidl 6-pack of water for €1.69. "Sorry about that Aido – mouthful of Cadbury's Eclairs. Now about that request..." Don Betty paused to clear his throat and continued with a guttural whisper. "You come to my pitch, on the day of my team's match, and you ask me for a favour which I cannot refuse. Leave it with me and it will be done. But should your Godfather ever need for a favour, you will owe that to me."
Don Betty and his consigleiri set about tinkering with the fielding positions and batting line up. One person was missing. Sichul, he informed them, sleeps with the fishes. So when Cora whined about playing right field, Don Betty retaliated by placing her prized possession – her keys to her new car – in her bag where she had left them. Cora's screams of horror quickly drove everyone out to their fielding positions, and the game began.
The opposition, the Lasagne Verdis (Odd Sox Red in English) - knowing that Don Betty's 3-in-1 Oil business was merely a front for organised batting orders, tried hard to get Betty to succumb to the same amount of points as the 5 lower teams in the league – but Don Betty adamantly refused. "Remember" Don Betty told the Flyerinis, "the traitor will be the one who bats." Not exactly being sure what he meant, but knowing that Betty was trying to say every line possible from the film, the Flyerinis took out as many Lasagne Verdis as possible. The Flyerinis stormed to victory on their way to becoming the strongest family in the league, having scraped through almost relegation last week.
Adrian, worried at the thought of having to repay the Godfather kindness, reluctantly agrees to take the bats to Limerick.
The celebrations in ALSAA centred around a victory platter of nibbles and a good ole sing song to "Old Man Betty had a farm, F-L-Y-E-Rs, And on that farm he had some kangaroos..." But ALSAA didn't mind because they're on the payroll anyway.
DDM: Brought this one on ourselves. Ado puts his abacus to work and discovers that if we beat the Sluggers next week, there's a chance we could be promoted to the Premier division next year.
Annoying Teachers Pet of the Day: Cora actually listened to Betty at training and saved an over throw to first base with some mighty ground covering from RF. It was probably the best play ever made. Ever. I get to say that because I'm writing the match report. And if the rest of you guys want a mention, you'll have to start writing match reports yourselves. (It's easy – you just write 'Fiona Mc made a great catch against the Blacks last week. As good as the great catch she made against the Kegs when we played them.' Or 'Allison made a great catch in RF against the Greens' – Ed.)
The Answer to the Ultimate Question: The phrase "Dicing with Death" is where the whole idea of hanging fluffy dice from your rear-view mirror comes from. Now you know.

Week 14.
24 Aug 05. Flyers 14 - 17 Sluggers

31-August? When Iron Maidan are playing the RDS???? Like Konichi-wa? I don't think so...

Pregame nerves set in
promotion to premier
awaits the winners

Stra-Haiku 1!
Dark clouds loom
a huge black mitt
envelopes us

Late summer sun
shines bright and glistens
on fresh cut grass

White lines stretch
out to form our pitch
Field of Nightmares

Steera-Haiku 2!
Second Base
dives, stops and throws –
Batter Out!

Runs mount up
and Flyers keep a
slender lead

Betty swings
clears right field trees
Home Run Baby!

Sun now sets
but Flyers cannot
close out game

Errors, walks,
good base hits
now Sluggers lead

Stra-Haiku 3!
Time is called we've lost
no victory chips tonight
season ends so sad

You put Adrian in, Adrian out,
Ebbsie in and throw it all about.
Miss the catches and let them score
Is that really what it's all about? And oh is it hokie-pokie or hokey-cokey?
DDM: No big prize, everyone had his or her own little DDMs tonight that added up to losing what we could have won. Except Courtney. That was base-coach Garry's fault. Courtney – stop listening to base coaches.

Jets '93 League Season 2005 - Division 3

Week 1.
18 Apr 05. Free Week
Sitting at home.
Dum dum de dum..
And we get a walkover for it later in the season as a bonus.

Week 2.
25 Apr 05. Score when rain stopped play: Jets '93 5 - 10 All Sinners
Re-scheduled as Jets home game and venue switched to ALSAA.
Please Xzibetty – pimp my team!
Brian Ebbs works in a fast-food food restaurant flipping burgers. He bought this 1993 Jetz on Eeb-zay but all his friends make fun of it. He wants a team he can be proud of. We're gonna pimp his team. Check it out.
The original 1993 Jetz was a brand new, sleek machine. It ran like a dream for most of that year. It started great in 1994 too, then struggled and finally the wheels fell off and it fell apart. What can the East Coast boys do? When they stop laughing.
0Shea wanted to give it a purple spray and Big Dave was gonna accessorize it with Viking horns til Q stepped in. Ish, waddya got? 'Well the Stevie Shine is gone now from the Jets of 10 years ago. There are some original bits around the yard – Ann and Betty but we don't need them.' Mad Mike - 'I can take two big woofers from the Flyers, Ebbsie and Tony, and install them.' Wadda bout Gary? Can you use him? ' He hasn't worked in over a year. Dump him.' Alex - wheels. 'Shove-on. She's got wheels. But no brakes.' Accessories. A new drum-kit called Ben. Was only 8 when the original Jetz crashed. We're gonna call him Junior junior. Or else junior Junior. And we gotta whole lotta other extras for the Jetz. But the real special bit – a true original. Not Prince Mobojo, but we found an original dodgy Jetz nut. Called a Mickey J. Looks like new. Or at least like it always did. Been preserved in alcohol for the last 10 years.
So Brian, feast your eyes on your new Jetz'93... You've officially been pimped. I know you'll wanna have a ride.
Waddya mean it doesn't work when it's raining?
What happened at the end of the show? Check it out.

Week 3.
09 May 05. Jets '93 9 - 13 Trinity Titans
Tale of the tape.
Looked like trouble when we counted out 21 steps and put down the bases to warm up. A Titan told us our bases were 80 feet apart, not 65. Oooo-Kaayyyy... Please let an umpire turn up.. Before the game started they checked the distance between bases with a measuring tape. And they had a table. In a novel way of calling the plays someone rang 1B during the 3rd inning and the phone went off in his pocket. Isn't third division great?
An eclectic mix of basketballers, college professor look-a-likes, a kid in a school uniform, oldies and other Americans were good craic really. Can't do blitzes because they have church on Saturday mornings. Wish we'd known that before the game and we might have gagged most of our team to stop their cussin'.
Devally's Devastating Moment: First DDM for the Jets goes to James O'Reilly. Ran the UL softball club years ago when FionaMc was there, but not like this I hope. Runner on 1. SS Mark fields the ball and chooses to throw to first. Ball sails into dead ball territory as 1B James tails the runner towards 2. Jeeeez- oops sorry Titans.

Week 4. 16 May 93. Bray Allsorts 19 - 22 Jets '93
Holy Smoke
M50. N11. Four guys. Six girls. Can't use sixth girl because fifth guy is on his way and can't sub in later for a girl. We think. Fifth guy turns up for sixth inning. Flyers ten down. Score twelve in two-down rally. Ebay Eb-zay hits home run. Using the Wicked bat that was the preacherman's bridge between God and us at the Softball-and-Service gig on Sunday in St. Anne's. Jets are finding religion. Babs passes on her experience to teach Ciara how to score. Not finding religion a moment too soon then.
DDM: A man in Kinsealy Garden Centre decides to burn rubbish in a shed. Piles more rubbish onto fire with his tractor. Tractor catches fire. Fireman Clint abandons his post and goes to Bray. Malahide Road is closed. Aidan abandons his car in traffic mess and DARTS it across the city from Malahide, arriving just in time to join in Jets first win of their ... hold on ... second coming. Praise be.

Week 5 and still no tan. 23 May 05. Jets '93 13 - 6 Keogh Rolling Rocks
Thou shalt not walk.
Ebbsie and Adrian the preachermen couldn't believe it when JC turned up in ALSAA last night to judge the bad balls and the good. He gave Triona her halo and wings as MVP despite Tony the evil one telling her to cheat in at 3B. Getting burned for her sin thought her a lesson.
A bearded, long-haired man, called Jacobs was shunned for the MVP when JC told him it was the worst match he ever saw him play. He banished himself to RF while trying to play 1B. Dodder-wannabe Ciara asked her lord 'Brian' to teach her the way of eb-zay so she may finally find her true glove.
Back in the bar people asked each other 'Who is this man?' when 'Brian' fed a crowd of 5 people with 2 plates of victory chips.
DDM: Our cussin' is gone so bad that even Ebbsie's little kids were at it when they looked out at the rain in the afternoon.

Week 6. 30 May 05. Mockingbirds 16 - 34 Jets'93
Wesley College, Ballinteer.
26-3 after 4 innings but it's not enuf for some Jets. James and Tony are guilty of not watching the runners ahead of them and passing them out. Or maybe 3rd base coach was guilty of not thinking that if a new girl was told 'It's ok, walk home' that she might actually stop running and literally start walking. And refuse to accept the DDM because she is still 'only new'.
So after 17 runs in one innings the original tinkerman tinkers. Mickey J pitches. Jets concede 13 in a couple of innings but mercy rule is applied before the high-flying birds can reach the dizzy heights the Jets have climbed to.
'Brian' tells his followers that if they believe, that they will one day join him in the kingdom of Division 2. Or else they will remain in Division 3 for eternity.
DDM: 6.20pm. Ebbsie gets a phone call... 'Eh where is this match tonight?' 'Wesley.' 'Oh.' 'Why? Are you in ALSAA?'. 'Eh, yih.' Tony gets around the M50 and makes it to Ballinteer before he is put 9th in the batting order.

Week 7.
13 Jun 05. Devil's Advocates 13 - 25 Jets'93
Mount Temple, Clontarf.
24-5 after 6 innings but no-one thought of mercy rule. Mickey J comes in to pitch and soon it is the Jets who are looking for mercy.
DDM: Siobhan tries hard to miss the game by locking keys in car and having to taxi around north county Dublin to get the spares but gets to the game on time. So DDM goes to Ebbsie for daring to suggest she moves to catcher for last innings. He won't try that again soon.

Week 8.
20 Jun 05. Resevoir Dogs 16 - 25 Jets'93
Att: 3. Teaching new Dogs old tricks...
The disciples of Brain gather in a clearing but are lost without their lord. Betty $waggert comes to preach saying he has been given a message that they must pay him and he will cast out the demons that are in this team. They will no longer look at the ball after a hit, or over-run bases. Give generously.
No matter how many languages you can translate 'Don't swing' into the new Dogs try too hard to impress their master and for 6 innings swing at all the rubbish pitches. Even the whistling lad gets in on the act and Triona makes a great catch from 1B. Jr can only watch from behind the plate as Jr jr makes great catches everywhere like he used be able to. Skaterboy Betty dons new shorts to try look like a Snr Jr jr, but fools nobody. Ciara, fed up of the 'Go long Rachel' tag, replaces Allison at 2B for a baptism of fire. 'McBride' takes it out by flooring 1B and then tries to kill the whistling lad. Siobhan helps her out by drilling a shot and nearly knocking him back to the Premier division after he moves from pitcher to SS.
Everything still comes as a surprise to Maria but she eventually understands what 'don't look at the ball means'. Miguel J doesn't get 'Shut up Mick the umpire wants to talk to us'. Thanks to Clint's 'No guts no glory' base-coaching Jets have it won before the Dogs start learning and improving.
Debutante of the Day: Wee Mary with the hurling grip is drafted in. Only the second time this year we had two Monaghan lasses playing together in the team.

Week 1 again.
27 Jun 05. Jets'93 7 - 0 Diamond Dogs2
Week 1, re-scheduled and now not a free week. A walkover against the new team for everyone in the audience. Jets take on the Flyers behind closed doors instead.

Week 9.
4 Jul 05. All Sinners 11 - 7 Jets'93
Mercy College, Coolock
Brian unable to condemn Sinners.
Some of the disciples ask who is the stranger amongst them. No not Mrs Betty. Brian says to him 'You are Peter and we will rock when I build my team around you'. Doyler makes his annual appearance but can only play infield, Tony is at tag rugby, ump doesn't like Ebbsies pitches, outfield run in under the ball and Jets are throwing the game away, 11-4 down after 3.
Girls are subbed, boys moved around, typical, defence tightens up. Rain delays play. Jets try to fit under one umbrella. Mary's jacket is japped. Tony arrives too late. Looks like Mickey J arriving too from a distance but it isn't. Bats get going in the seventh but round one goes to the Sinners tonight.
DDM: Aidan, aidan, aidan.

Week 2, continued
4 Jul 05. Jets'93 11 - 10 All Sinners. Final.
Mercy College, Coolock.

Previous game tonight started at 0-0. Now we resume game 2, 5 down, their runner on 2 and in the top of sixth. No outs.
Looks like a big mess. But Tony has arrived, and hasn't lost in a league game so far this year.
Jets get three outs with no more runs added. Bottom of 6, the pimped Jets bat through the order and run like never before. Score six and take the lead. Top of seven. Three up, three down. Game over. Just like that. Too quick to deserve victory chips and no time even for a DDM.
Ebbsie goes wild. 'Oh my God. That's crazy. Is that really my team? You guys.. woo woo woo. Thanks Xzibetty for pimping my team.'

Week 10
18 Jul 05. Trinity Titans 22 - 15 Jets'93.
Crock of gold or crock of ...?
In desperation Ebbsie asks 'why have you forsaken me?'. 'I haven't Brian,' comes the booming reply, 'I just like the other team better. They pray more, they don't cuss, or drink, and they do a lot of work for charity. But if I have my way, and I intend to, both of you will get promoted. Just they shall be first and you shall be last. By which I mean second overall but getting the last promotion place. Are you with me?'
The tinkerman abandons his trusted 5 and 5 set up to play 6 and 4 but things don't go to plan. Siobhan gets hopelessly lost and wanders the desert of Portmarnock beach for 40 minutes. Several Jets turn to pillars of salt and simple outs are missed. Titans really do take the appearance of a rainbow as a sign from above (It's a sign, it's a sign!) and get very excited ('Praise the Lord!').
And just to rub it in when it comes to the after match barbecue someone has turned the punch into regular fruit juice.

Week 11
25 Jul 05. Jets'93 34 - 17 Bray Allsorts.
ALSAA. Att. 1 human, 4 rabbits, and a gulp of swallows.

Siobhan confesses that she only moves in and out in the outfield not going by what Ben says, but by the tone of his voice. She counts four rabbits, one with black tips on his ears, while waiting for balls to come to her and worries about what would happen one of the swallows if a ball hit it mid-flight.
Mary worries how close the umpire came to being hit in the nads by a pitch that bounced up. Carol stays in work and worries if the years of being a sickened Waterford fan will ever end. Maria worries about lots of things: like about being out, so tells 1B to 'Miss it'; about not getting a runner out, so calls him 'Out!' herself; about being tagged, so she runs off in a big arc from 2 to 3; and about not getting a tag, so hits the runner already standing safely on 2 in the back with the ball in her hand.
Bray pitcher struggles a bit and lots of Jets take walks but Ben, being young and cool, refuses to. He watches 3 strikes sail past him instead.
Well it's nearly 9 o'clock and the game is won and the fatted potato is being killed for the prodigal pitcher while 'Brian' has gone to the far ends of the world to spread his good news. We shake things up and they score 8 in the sixth, well after the mercy rule has been ignored. So in the seventh coach decides to go back to the way we were. Ask Ben and Tony to swap to their normal positions and they run smartly in and out to where they had been. Ask Triona and Siobhan to do the same and there is uproar.
Conspiracy theories are bandied about, allegations of huge injustices are spouted, letters to TDs are threatened and they decide themselves that what with Triona being newly-appointed captain now and all that that they will play where they want to and I should get on with pitching.
Totally different ball-game playing with the Flyers.
Moenser goes Wild on 1: We were happy thinking the swallows were playing with us when thay flew around us while we ran. But Betty, the big fan of Mooney's Madsers on the radio on Saturday morning, says that when we run we make the flies and midges come out of the grass and the swallows eat them so they keep following us to get more insects. Mary also worries about being bitten by these 'midgets'.
DDM: Ben, hope you kept the receipt for those contacts..

Week 12
8 Aug 05. Keogh Rolling Rocks 0 - 7 Jets'93
Wesley College.

We turn up. Ump turns up. No show by the Rocks. '93 go 9 and 3 overall. Jets face the long drive back home for nothing. How do you go from miles at miles per gallon to euros per litre to find out how much we wasted? And, no victory chips earned as well.

Week 13
15 Aug 05. Jets'93 18 - 6 Mockingbirds

And lo on the second last day of the second coming of the Jets Brian has led his followers to the promised land. His flock of angels rejoice and will praise his name for evermore.
Not for the first time they take a few Flyers to help them win and not for the first time one of the Flyers plays terrible. Ironically said Flyer will probably blame the standard of coaching she gets at training. Mockingbird dangerwoman at 1B is quickly identified so in typical Jets fashion Brain commands one of his angels to strike her down. The opportunity comes when a throw to one is wide of the mark, Triona moves left to catch it and the only birds singing are the cartoon ones twittering around the flattened girl's head.
Over a victory platter Ciara shows her ignorance of the stick-fighting game by not getting excited when Carol tells her that Dan Shanahan delivered the oil at home last week. Ciara wasn't impressed when all but her at the table knew who he was so challenged Carol to name a famous Monaghan footballer. Some nodded but most were slightly alarmed when Carol shouted out 'Nudie'.

Week 14
29 Aug 05. Jets'93 25 - 14 Devil's Advocates

Scene 1. A drawing room. Lady Wotton and Mr Wilde are taking tea.
Ciara: There is only one thing in the world worse than being mentioned in the match report and that is not being mentioned in the match report hi.
Oscar: I rarely read them my dear. The first duty of a match reporter is to hold his tongue at all times and upon all subjects.
Ciara: But would you not play hi, instead of writing, Mr Fingal O'Flaherty Wills?
Oscar: I'm afraid I play no outdoors games at all, except dominoes. I have sometimes played dominoes outside French cafés.
Enter Misses Fairfax, Cardew and Brandon, and Parker, carrying a tray
Carol: Leave my hang blah down there Parker. But Oscar softball is such fun.
Mary: Come here now wait til I tell ye it's like rounders hi only less tiring.
Oscar: Softball is all very well as a game for rough girls but it is hardly suitable for delicate boys.
Triona: Ah will ya go away will ya.
Scene: A field. A softball game is about to start. 'Brian' Worthing is on a seat, writing.
Ebbsie: Softball is the curse of the drinking classes. The diamond is a stage, but the play is badly cast. Where is Siobhan?
A ball is hit and bounces past Mark in LCF.
Oscar: The Jets dirtbag outfielder galloping after a softball. The unmentionable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
Game finishes, Jets win, but lose the championship on head-to-head results
Oscar: To lose one game to the Titans may be regarded as a misfortune, to lose both looks like carelessness.
All retire to the Grosvenor for victory chips
Ben and Tony are the big bats with 2 HRS each. Ciara claims a triple. Maria came back bruised but undeterred and to give Tony an earful. Jets finish second and look forward to collecting silver medals at the end of season party, practicing their speeches and thinking about what they will wear. Any Titan who has chromey furniture that wouldn't look good with a gold medal should contact Ciara who would like to swap medals. You're-a-Star wannabe Triona gets some slagging about her singing group back in the bar, where the Adriana K one was on.
DDM1: I take it we don'have match 2nite? haven't heard anything' – Siobhan's e-mail at 14.30. After turning up last week when there was no game.
DDM2: Mickey J to base coach: "they're not playing home at all, they're not throwing to the catcher, and the pitcher is just standing there in the middle". Guess how he got out next - yup, tagged at home when he wasn't forced, pitcher covering home.
DDM3, and the winner: Mary was on 1st, Mark on 2nd, ebbsie hits, infield fly, mark goes to 3, mary to 2. Mary reckoned ebbsie was the third out, so starts walking off and gets tagged. umpire says "runner on 2 got tagged strolling around out there".

Cup, Plate, -

Round 1. 4 May 05. Devils Advocates 1 - 11 Flyers
Mount Temple School
How to Dismember an Atomic Kitten.
Staring At The Sun pitching in the first innings Betty complains and gets the pitch moved to a different part of the field where he is happier. Later he says All I Want Is You to use this 27oz Worth 3DX we got on Eb-Zay, handing Courtney 'The Natural' Timms a bat. After Running To Stand Still on second base (Is this report just going to be a list of U2 songs because of the Mount Temple connection? - Ed. Well, Yes - Betty. Why can't you just report on the match, just the facts eh? - Ed. Like my brilliant pitching, batting and fielding? - Betty. Were there not 13 other players there? - Ed. Yeah but they did nothing. It was all down to me really. I mean I could have stopped to sign autographs during my home run - Betty. Well make it short - Ed. I'll write it. You just get me one of those dancing bananas - Betty.) Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own. And sometimes you just have to.
Devally's Devastating Moment: Base Devil guy does another big swing and another foul tip. This one comes back a bit faster. Maria knocks over umpire in her attempt to catch it. 'Get a room' cries first base coach.
Debutant of the Day: Junior the umpire. Now we have to listen to him and show him respect. Long way from the days we had to ring his mother to let him come to the Cork Blitz with us.
Official MVP: Courtney gets the nod, for getting engaged at the weekend. Is this how this thing works? The dang yankee lived in NYC for a while. Asked her did she know birthday girl Tara. Lived on the same street as her, and drank in the Quiet Woman in Hoboken too. Which knowing the two of them is pretty ironic.

4 May 05. Usual Suspects 10 - 9 Jets'93
Wesley College, Ballinteer
Don't know what happened. Can't be two places at once, I'm not omnivorous. So unless a Jet sends in a report I'll have to nick the Suspects' report when they do theirs. Congrats to Michelle on her wedding last week. And to Sam on her big birthday. Flyers led 9-7 going into the bottom of the last, that's all I heard.

7 Jun 05. PLATE: Jets'93 9 - 6 Icons.
Ebbsie celebrates the arrival of Ebay Ireland by wearing his Flyers shirt and out-bidding deise Kiely for a plate of victory chips instead of going for the lawn-mower that might be more useful longterm. A confused Triona went looking for pepper for Clint while a focussed Ciara assaulted 2B. Just following orders was her defence. Maybe she called the Oriel girl a Farney man. They could have done with some of it in Clones. McBride will need some of it on Saturday night against Tyson. Jets now hope to be drawn against Flyers in the Plate after Wednesday. Bring it on baby. At least when the ump says 'Flyers' someone might respond.
DDM: After playing the 'only new' card once too often Triona snaps up her first award and looks set to keep a tight grip on it. At least for the weeks James isn't around. Also gets 50 bonus points for hitting the jogger.
MVP: She couldn't win the mini-marathon but Siobhan batted best, made her catch in outfield and paid no attention to her base-coach when turning a single into a double.
Debutante of the Day: The only thing this Feemak wan could catch was a cold and she never got on base either. Jets hope they've seen the last of her.

8 Jun 05. CUP: 1Z Blazzers 23 - 26 Flyers.
Certifiable Victory.
Softball Certificate – Cup level
Section A. Short Story – 1Z Blazzers v Flyers. Answer question 1 and TWO other questions.
Q1. Was influence of the tinkerman seen in Betty's decision to drop the MVP and the captain, swop players around and make early substitutions, or did it indicate that he just hasn't a clue? In your opinion did it show a tactical nous? Support your answer with references to the game, and in particular the role of sheer luck. (50 marks)
Q2. The story demonstrates that ex-outfielders turned infielders turned outfielders never lose the ability to catch fly-balls. What are the advantages of this? Refer to Cora's constant whining about the long walk to outfield and in particular the role of the encroachment line.(20 marks)
Q3. The character Lee was often heard barking instructions. Based on what else we learn about him would you feel he is more suited to a high-pressure career in Air Traffic Control or a caller at a barn-dance. Refer to his legs and red shorts in your answer.(20 marks)
Q4. The reappearance of the Angel character confuses the Flyers for a while. Elaborate on this with reference to her desire to get a mention in the match report.(20 marks)
Q5. One of the recurring themes is the Flyers constant need for food. Do you think Lidl chocolate biscuits are ok to eat? Should Betty have gone across to the Bombay Pantry or Sunkist Take-Away for victory chips? Explain your answers. (20 marks)
Section B (90 marks) Answer Q1 and either Q2 or Q3.
Q1. (60 marks) Write an essay on one of the following topics:
A. Dublin traffic. How crap is it really?
B. Base-coaching – a vocation?
C. Alacoque and the can of magic jelly beans.
D. An essay beginning with the sentence ''Infield fly' he cried.'
E. Country folk, Americans and the Flyers/Jets experiment - the lessons to be learned.
Q2. In his poem 'I will explain that to you if you have a spare 3 hours' how did Patrick Kinsella's experience as a pitcher years ago influence his ability to not recognise a strike at three paces today. Use three examples of calls he made in each innings to illustrate your answer. (30 marks)
Q3. In the poem 'The Death of a Swan' Courtney agonises over whether it would be a good idea to bring her 21-year old, daughter of a millionaire, innocent, ballerina cousin visiting from Paris to the Usual Suspects Blitz on Saturday. How can we convince her it would be an excellent idea? And how does Clint try to convince her she should come visit the fire station instead?(30 marks)
DDM: Fiona did finally reach first base so to save Caroline's blushes we will donate the honour to Blazzer Conor's sister Clodagh? and another girl Betty has never seen before who appear beside us pre-game. 'Hi, I was here at training last week..'. Luckily for her Mark wasn't there. Not the first time in Gonzaga we had two girls trying to hook up with us instead of the Blazzers.

11 Jul 05. PLATE: Global Zephyrs 18 - 25 Jets.
Marlay Park
Welcome to Talk-Sportz. Any listeners at the game last night? How good were the Jets? Hello, Waterford caller..
Deise: Lets just say the Monaghan trasher kept up her rep! I have a lovely lump on my head after the warm up
Farney/Oriel/Drumlin: Do not believe a word of it. Carol is just feeling sorry for herself due to Waterford's performance on Sunday and Monaghan doing so well!!
Deise: hmm I think Ciara may have got too much sun last night....
Culchie/Maritime/Heather/Whinger: Angel of Monaghan did indeed keep up her reputation for destructive behaviour - unfortunately she targetted her own team last night.
OK ladies, we have a man on the line now (who might talk sense)..
Jackeen: Started off going through the order, they looked like complete muppets, we got 6 in. Then they got a 3 run homer, Aidan stood there while we shouted 'back'. Carol barged fielders twice (at 1 I think), Ciara must've been giving her lessons
Deise: I'm modelling myself on my idol Mullane and will attempt to flatten as many fielders as possible for the rest of the season..
Jackeen: They got another 3 run HR, Mickey J ran in for a ball, missed it completely and kept running. Couple of circus moments, ball hit straight to Ebbsie, runner stays on 1st, Ebbsie throws to 1st for double, but runners end up safe on 1 and 2. Another one hit to Ebbsie, throws it perfectly at Triona's glove, Triona can't see ball cos of sun..
Deise: By the way would there be enough coffers in the flyers/jets funds to buy Triona a pair of sun glasses??
Culchie/Maritime/Heather/Whinger: FECK off Kiely! Angel of Waterford was kept very busy in outfield and scored more runs than Waterford scored goals on Sunday! Over ran second and got tagged out. Ciara didn't teach her how to do the Monaghan slide. As for myself - Angel of Mayo – I was assaulted on 1B by a student from the Monaghan school of destruction. Survived to tell the tale tough. Ebbsie's years of ballet lessons finally paid off with a leap worthy of a prima-ballerina to make a spectacular catch. And Mayo have no nickname in the gaa.
Right we have the Jets manager on the line now. It was close in the end I believe..
Ebbs: We were 1 run up going in to the last, 16-15 I think it was. Yes because we scored nine and they got three.
Jackeen: Anyway, they were 1 run ahead going into the last, we went through the order and scored 8 or so, then got them out with no runs scored. Chokers. I was sweating away while others looked completely fresh...
Er, Ok, eh we seem to have lost our caller there. We'll take an ad break.

12 Jul 05. CUP: Oddsox Green 25 - 9 Flyers.
Bird Ave.
Was it elegant? Fashion correspondant Cora reports..

Siobhanah: Goodness Trionany! Look at them!
Trionany: Yes, Siobhanah, it's all wrong. This is definitely what not to wear at softball!
Siobhanah: Look at the outfielders for starters. It's no wonder there have been no diving catches – look at those shorts! No sense of style!
Trionany: And as for those infielders! Some great catches – especially by first and second base – but in those shoes?!
Siobhanah: Trionany, what do you think we can do to help the Flyers?
Trionany: Let's start with the colour – green is boring – they fade into the background. We need something that makes them be seen. I'm thinking white Flyers tops, with green vertical pin-stripes. Very slimming.
Siobhanah: Fabulous! And they need to lose the numbers on the back. Very common – everyone is doing that now. They should swap the numbers, for a little smiley aeroplane on the front of the shirt.
Trionany: That's a good idea Siobhanah. As for the caps! They should be wearing matching caps – not this mish-mash of colour and styles. They need a green cap – with a little “F” on the front. Sort of like what first base wears. Very retro, and a sense of 1993 about it.
Siobhanah: Good, Trionany. They're starting to take shape now. What else?
Trionany: All their names have to go. First base can keep hers, but the others have to change their names to proper winning names, like Jimmy, Hamzah, Noel, Martin, Jane, Peter, etc.
Siobhanah: Fabulous, Trionany. They should change the team name too. Something like how the Jets called themselves after the last time there was a winning team called the Jets in the League. They should call themselves Flyers '93. Now how about the opposition?
Trionany: Oh Siobhanah, don't even get me started on their non-matching socks. What's up with that anyway….?
Play of the Day: Ann returns to second base after a long and overdue absence and makes two astounding catches look easy. Good stuff outta you Annie Murphy! Also Sichul deserves a mention for getting us close to double figures and Marie for just being lucky so many times.
Cora's corner: Tarmac - as in that black stuff on the road - is named after some place in Trinidad where there are forests of the stuff. Apparently that's where baby roads grow. Or something. I was too busy avoiding holes in it listen properly. And on Tabago which side of the road do you drive on? 'Ahhn da smooood syahd.'
DDM: We didn't do much wrong really. Doug from the Greens farting when he reached second base was a contender. But we'll give it that guy who used play for Marlay. Not for cc-ing all his old team by accident when he sent a mail about thinking of leaving the team but for strikig out twice – once looking, once swinging.

3 Aug 05. PLATE: Jets 6 - 22 Shutout 7
An injury to Ben in the under-30 v over-30 game during family BBQ night on the eve of this important Plate match left the Jets struggling for numbers. With chef Tony also ruled out injured Ebbsie needed a miracle. Team captain Triona 'the Shoe' reports:
Jets made a good start and it looked like it would be a close encounter. I think it was 3 runs each after the 3rd.
First double play of the Jets season - high ball towards 1st base - decent catch made by me. Runner on 1st - not sure what happened next except that the runner ran into me and got himself out in the process. All happened very quickly but apparently it was a double play!
They found their hitting form, we found our catch-missing form. I think the wind played a part... Caroline decided it would be easier to catch the ball with her un-gloved hand.
Ebbsie was very unsportsman like (great decision though!) and basically refused to pitch to their big hitter so he walked and they then had an automatic out to end the innings.
Ebbsie had to bring in a complete novice to the team. Did a pretty good job. Tony sat on the bench for the entire game - didn't even umpire. If Adrian wasn't director of operations Ciara would still be sitting on her little deck-chair with her new green jacket. The jacket obviously made her invisible to 'Charlie' Ebbs - so his little angel was forgotten about.
DDM: Double DDM to Ebbsie for unsportsmanlike behaviour and for forgetting about his angel in the wings.
Small World: Well coming from Castlebar there's no way Triona couldn't know Derv.

Blitzes -

Backnang Bats Oster Fun Cup. 26/27 Marz 05.
1-2-3-HASSELHOFF!! Backnang Bats, BS Scouts, some garage team, rain and mud and beer and pool. What else can you remember?

FLYERS BLITZ. ALSAA - 07 May 05. Dodder wins. Weather held up. Windburn all round. Japanese emperor and his two 747 cargo jumbos of stuff fly by for a look. Must have heard about the sushi Sichul had brought. Info here.

Divisional Championship Tournament. 28 May. ALSAA.
Postponed to another day.

That 70's Television Show Blitz. Cora has mislaid her copy of the TV Times so can't figure out what she was watching. Can you help?
10.00 Flyer cars leapt over the speed bumps in St. Mary's Rugby Ground and Flyers jumped out of the windows to start the first game of the day v the Renegades. Nasty Boss Betty Hogg switched teams and 'General' Lee of Hazzard was swamped. In an unremarkable match, the highlight was Cora's Daisy Dukes.
11.00 "Surf's up!" cried Steve, only to realise it was Danno opening the traditional bottle of champagne before the game with the suspects. Adrian hit what should have been a home run but canoed the wrong way to 1B by taking a short cut over 3B, in our also traditional backwards game of softball v the Suspects. Cries of "Book him Deano" were met with blank stares by our Austrian friends Oisin and Dermot.
12.00 'Hi Ebbsie' giggle giggle. 'Hello Angels. I have a mission for you. We need some food and beer' 'OK Ebbsie, we'll get right on it' giggle giggle. Once upon a time there were three lovely girls called Carol, Ciara and Triona who left their boring financial HR jobs and now they play for me. My name is Ebbsie.
1.00 Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne. Aidan joins the Flyers and they manage to get one over the Jets, by using cheap special effects and hitting, running and fielding in slow motion, in what was, remarkably, a win for the Flyers. Flyers own ump was accused of not using his bionic eye. Only a friendly, but the Flyers are reportedely now worth 6 ericamullen dollars on the transfer market. Brief cameo appearance from Ciaran.
2.00 "Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can play my joker if I please". The joke was on the Flyers for playing the joker against the Blazzers during a non-scoring inning, thus doubling their 0 runs. Ben 'Radar' O'Reilly plays with his teddy, 'Hot Lips' Connolly strikes out and 'Hawkeye' Garret spots an incoming over 2B for a terrific catch. Flyers should have been helicoptered away for being unremarkable and for not being able to find first base with a silly signpost.
3.00 Scream up to the pitch Ford Toledo-like, and look pretty groovy in our attempts to hide from the sun, but still remain street wise and cool. Marksky investigates the car break-ins while Huggy Burns electrifies the laydees. Flyers sped to extra-inning victory over the Kegs in an arresting and entirely remarkable game. Yay! Go us!
4.00 Using the Flyers we had prepared earlier, and sticking on our gloves with some double sided sticky tape and a toilet roll insert, Flyers horn-piped their way to an unremarkable defeat against Dodder. Shep the dog would have caught more balls in the outfield. Where's John Noakes when you need him?
5.30 "Lets look through the round window... Oooh – it's Cora and Babs first on the Barbecue queue." Clever girls! Humpty, Gemima, Big Ted and Little Ted know a Storaya about that, which we'll hear on Jackanory after this programme.
7.00 'Shaggy' Jacobs wins the champers, and Scooby comes home. The rest of the kids in the Mystery Machine could now do with a couple of new chairs, a pet dog and a pool. Table. For their picnic. And if it wasn't for those pesky Suspects, Cora would have got away with the Leinster rugby shirt.
8.00 Caroline goes head to head with the Suspects and wins the after-games game. She now claims to have done her duty at Usual Suspects Bar Games, but she didn't embarrass herself enough. Blank secretly grabs blank's mobile phone and sends a text to blank 'I want to blank you up the blank with blank.' Blank is blanked later when blank replies.

III. 25 June 2005. ALSAA.
9.30. A few Jets. Two Flyers. Enough Suspects. No bases. The rest of us are either watching the Lions get mauled after O'Driscoll had been carted off or were in pre- or post-Vertigo mode. Triona puts her foot in it. So no game and we start aginst Blazzers. Conor for them takes walks and they miss his runs as Jets surprise themselves with a 9-5 win. Texas Steve arrives to check us out. A narrow win against Fat Tony's mob is welcome and it's time for lunch and rugby already. Caroline puts her foot in it.
Don't play a re-scheduled game against the Suspects. Beat the unbeaten Dogs - we were surprised again. Coach-for-a-day Devally is enjoying it so far. Last up Marlay. 10-7 or something. To us. Both teams are surprised.
Semi-final v Homers. Proabably more Flyers experience on their team than on ours. And Deano umping. But we play like Flyers so nerves and errors and close calls go against us. Stick around for Plate final. Young Sarah sitting behind 1B gets ball in forehead. Younger sister Niamh is so happy it wasn't her. Birthday cake for Siobhan. Long night in bar for some and the threat of karaoke night gradually fades away. Well done coach D.

IOST. Limerick University - 20/21 August 2005
Well be the Hokey-Cokey.. Flyers win something.

The Flyers and Jets are great,
Went to Limerick and won the Plate,
Saturday they lost but had fun,
Sunday got wet and they won,
And went to the bar to celebrate.
Finally something to stick in the ALSAA trohy cabinet that doesn't have 'Runners-Up' or 'Second Place' or 'Best (only) International Team' stamped on it. Feel old at the Kilmurray night-club on Friday so hit the resident's bar next door. On the Saturday Adrian gets his kicks by pairing up the girls and letting them try out loads of different positions... Against BatPak he fields all 10 girls and lets the 5 boys take an inning off. Courtney renamed Britteny. Only win the last game against the solo-Haka Kegs. Carol stands-up her yellow tracksuited Lithuanian loverman in favour of the Castletroy party on Saturday night. Cograts go to ex-Flyers Junior and Bro. Tony buys ticket for the raffle, it is one of the many green ticket numbers we hear called out. Wins two nights in the hotel. Pity he had swopped tickets. Triona sings like well an angel. Courtney gets picked on by anti-American jerk. FiMc isn't best happy when bar runs out of bottles of Miller. Mark has good chat with father of the bride. As the drinks choices decrease some take to necking Smirnoff Ice. Back in bar of our own hotel Courtney and Caroline come around the mountain when they come and audition for missing angel spot. Forms Betty's Babes when her application isn't immediately approved. We have the very bad idea of playing chicken with the Prairie Fire by seeing who can take the most Tabasco with their tequila. Sunday is for real. And it's raining. Courtney and Caroline have cheered up a bit after looking down in the dump a few hours earlier. Lose to Bearcats. Ebbsie is upset. We walk off when his car gets stuck in mud. Then we upset the culchie teams. Tony does nothing wrong but upsets Tribes' catcher by knocking him over by sliding home. Maybe after time had been called. Mary's Monaghan influence on him is demonstrated next at-bat when 1B girl turns into his running path and he knocks her out. DDM for Betty sending Courtney home on decoy run. Time for a break. Warm-up an hour later is the hokey-cokey. Cork. Scores are tied at 1-1 after 30 minutes. They are upset when Ebbsie doesn't see a tag on Tony in a run-down. We are not upset when Cork ump calls Dead Ball, then Batter Out, when Mick at catcher catches. Win by two in tense game. Final v Oddsox Red. Team hokey-cokey because Big Al won't have a ceili dance-off with Cora. Kick their asses. Mercy rule. 2 HRs for Tony of the sore hand. Big Al sleeps through it. Day gets even better for hero coach Devallay when the Cats are beat. A few hang around to collect trophy, Cora delighted when she takes the MVP. Go us.

Other games -

Suspects Blitz. Jets 12 - 15 Flyers
With 20 players at the suspects Blitz Flyers and Jets play each other over lunch. Tony not happy when Flyers ump fails to see a tag. Ten runs in top of fourth put Flyer into lead. Time called on Jets with 2 outs in bottom of the innings so Flyers win fair and square.
Jets: Ebbs, Triona, Garrett, Ciara, Ben, Carol, Tony, Geraldine, Mickey J, Erica
Flyers: Adrian, Cora, Lee, Babs, Mark, Allison, Betty, Caroline, Aidan, Soraya

ALSAA. 27 June. Betty v Siobhan prelim races. Team Betty 13 - 14 Team Ben.
At 8-2 after 3 innings and his team crusing to an easy win Betty decides it'd be better to only play 5 innings and go to the bar. And to let Sichul pitch. But doens't mention it to Team Ben yet. Then Tony arrives. They put him in to bat after Mickey J's walk, hits a GSHR and now they weren't playing less than the full 7. Controversial victory left bitter taste in sore loser Betty's mouth. This after Siobhan lets Betty win the Races to Bases series. But speedy Mary and Carol show no mercy.
Team Ben: Siobhan, Carol, Ebbs, Maria, Erica, Alan (Siobhan's mate), Triona, Geraldine, Mickey J. And Tony.
Team Betty: Allison, Marie, Sichul, Ann, Mary, Aidan, Caroline, Soraya, Betty. And Garrett.

Family Barbecue night, 2 August. Under 30s 8 - 3 Over 30s
Hunger must have affected both teams batting while they waited for chef Tony to get the food cooked. Courtney supplied the original Anchor Bar buffalo sauce for the wings from her hols. Her other half, Mahony, tried out the game. Mick did his Limerick practice and rule-learning. His sister Roisin will play some day. Old timers tire in the heat and the youngsters blow the game open in the top of 7 with five runs. Birthday cake for Ben turning 20 and for Aidan a bit older.
U/30s: Ben, Courtney, Mark, Fiona, Aidan, Siobhan, Clint, Mary, Brian (Mr Courtney), Ciara, Tony, Allison (guest)
Over-30s: Betty, Cora, Ebbsie, Triona, Big Al, Caroline, Adrian, Babs, Mick, Soraya

30 August. ALSAA. End-of-season Rounders match. With no games left it's a poor turnout at training. Ben has an American football but it's Betty's English rounders set that gets used. Swing and miss and you have to run. 25 other rules are adopted or made up as we run a lot, get hit with the ball a bit, sweat a whole lot and end up hurt a lot and aching the next day. Thanks to little Ben's two rounders Tony, Sichul, Triona, Ann, John and lil Ben earn a draw against Ebbsie, Carol, Mary, 'old' Ben and Betty. Followed by a mini-AGM.