by Cora Burke
Once upon a time on a pitch far, far away... A NEW HOPE.
It is a period of civil war. Rebel Flyers, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Marlay Martyr Empire by equalling them on the top of the league table. During the battle, Rebel Flyers managed to steal secret plans to the Marlay Martyrs ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armoured floating softball pitch with enough power to move around Marlay Park, confusing the opposition. Pursued by the Marlay Martyrs sinister agents, Princesses Allison/Bronagh/Caroline/Cora/Fiona (we couldn't decide who got to be the princess) race to Marlay Park aboard their starships, custodian of the stolen plans that can save their team and restore freedom to the league...
(Cue theme music from “The Muppets”. On-screen a little softball passes, followed by a gigantic softball glove.)
"We're doomed!" a scared Lee3PO squeals at his sidekick Adrian2D2. “Twitter! Peep! Whistle!” replies Adrian 2D2, stuffing Lee3PO into an escape pod, and landing on the remote barren desert planet of ALSAA-tooine, where they are rounded up by the natives and sold to the Flyers. Tony Skywalker is their new owner, and after Lee3PO and Tony Skywalker watched the latest World Cup offering, Adrian2D2 played a recorded phone message from Princesses Allison/Bronagh/Caroline/Cora/Fiona, “General Kenobi”, they began, “Years ago you served my team in First Division, now we beg you to help in the struggle against the Marlay Martyrs. I regret that I am unable to present my team's request to you in person, but I am stuck in traffic on the M50 and my mission to bring you to Marlay Park has failed. I have placed information vital to the survival of the Flyers Premier Division Struggle into the memory systems of this Adrian2D2 unit, my team will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to them in Marlay Park. This is our most desparate hour, Help me Obi-Ebbs Kenobi, you're my only hope.”
“A little over-dramatics from the princesses to get Ebbs to play for the Flyers tonight?” mused Tony Skywalker as he packed his bag, Lee3PO and Adrian2D2 and headed off to Marlay Park.
Once at Marlay Park, the entire Flyer alliance set off in search for the Death Star, where the battle would take place. On eventually finding it up at the back of Marlay Park, Adrian2D2 split the team into two groups – the infield made up of Princesses Bronagh/Caroline/Cora, Adrian2D2, Tony Skywalker and Obi Ebbs Kenobi. The outfield made up of Princesses Allison/Fiona, Lee3PO and Mark Solo. Confusion at the beginning of the battle was marked by no governing Darth to umpire the game, as ChewTazbacca was busy shopping in Blanchardstown. A collection of characters were paraded before the Flyers - Stormtrooper Diarmuid who temporarily umpired the first 3 innings, Darth Concannon who viewed the battle suspiciously from the side lines, before both teams eventually settled on Yoda Mullins to issue his words of wisdom to the battling teams - “Strike, it is!” “Out, you are!”
The Flyer Alliance began well against the evil Marlay Martrys and their leader Admiral Conor by holding them to no runs for the first 3 innings to the Flyers loads of runs. Tony Skywalker, under the tuition of Ebbs Kenobi, used his lightsabre to great effect by constantly putting the ball through the goal at the far end of the pitch, followed closely by Mark Solo who blasted every ball in sight. Princesses Allison/Bronagh/Caroline/Fiona batted well, scoring heaps of runs. Princess Cora's inability to get on base was redeemed by her fielding and egged on by her desire to be able to write the words “Princess Cora” without the other girls names also included.
The final innings saw the evil Marlay Martyrs come back to score 6 runs. “Ball game, it is” gurgled Yoda Mullins sealing Flyer victory.
DDM. No-one made a show of themselves tonight but this can't go unreported. Tony blasts one deep into left field. Fiona on 2 legs it for home, making sure to slide. Fiona goes down on one knee, the knee gets caught on the home plate screeching her to a halt, and Fi nearly somersaults over the base. Blue calls her safe, but only out of sheer comedy value.