Softball Revolution #2

Following on from recent events which could be described elsewhere as making a mockery of the game of softball in Ireland the meejah assembled in the Airport Hotel this morning for a quickly arranged press conference by the Flyers supremo amid all sorts of speculation as to what was on the cards next.

Flyers stunned their loyal supporters by announcing plans to leave their home pitch, 'the Field of Nightmares' and build a new stadium 500 metres away on the next field. 'This is a temporary measure but we feel the timing is right' announced Betty. 'With a couple of tournaments coming up in the next few months we didn't want the powers that be or used to be playing on our pitch so we're digging it up' an excited manager ranted. Attendances have been dropping over the last ten years it was noted. 'The cows that used line up along the left field fence to watch us have disappeared and that terrace is now a car-park' Betty fumed. This was put down to the Flyers dropping out of the top division and not seen as a bovine protest to the team securing a sponsorship deal with Big Al's.

Betty went on the explain his hopes for the new stadium. ''Build it and they will come back' I kept hearing in my dreams' he explained. When pressed as to who this 'they' was Betty angrily rejected suggestions that it could refer to Martin Long, Philip Scanlon, or Brian Connolly. 'No, it's gotta be Mickey Jacobs, Peter Doyle, Emer O'Gorman and Junior' he roared banging the table as he called out each name. 'I don't know where they are but they will be back'. Suggestions from some hack that Junior was in Australia were met with an icy glare. 'He is not in Australia stuffing himself with steroids where the IBSF anti-doping police can't touch him' Betty explained, carefully choosing his words, before adding 'Oh I shouldn't have said that.'

The second half of the press conference began with Betty's plans for a shake-up in the team. 'The Veron look-a-like guy is not going but Erin will soon be leaving us to join Dodder' HR supremo Betty announced to a hushed room. The young South African with a diamond in a hole in her teeth was sad to be leaving the team that gave her a chance when no-one else would and introduced her to booze back when it was still illegal for 15-year olds to drink. Her inclusion in the Irish National squad for this year's European Championships was a first for the club. This is the real Ireland, Flyers noted, not some magical, mystery land somewhere, laughably called Hibernia. 'I just want to play softball competitively' the skillful infielder said while eating a fig roll, adding 'Thanks for all the fish.'

Ironically fish are proving to be the stumbling block in coach Moen's latest recruiting drive. 'We were looking for someone who could hit right field' explained Betty, 'and polar bears, being naturally left-handed, seemed the obvious choice.' Negotiations with Dublin Zoo to allow us to sign Spunky the female polar bear from Canada have broken down over her demands for unlimited access to the ALSAA swimming pool and daily crates of fresh fish. Moen explained how Cora Burke, who tops the Flyers wage structure, has to pay to use the pool but then sometimes sneaks into the steam room for free afterwards. And how the canteen only does fish on a Wednesday and a Friday. The frustated team manager then ended the press conference saying he had to go, using the old 'work comitments' excuse.

Reaction of course has been immediate and critical. One oppertunistic local politician, with an eye on last week's General Election, slammed the new stadium idea. 'We don't need a 'Betty Bowl' he cried, likening it to something Ceaucescu would do if they had softball over there.